We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
