Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
