Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
