omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
