Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
