So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
