i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Randomize
