some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
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