I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Randomize
