i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
