false alarm. still invincible.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
