So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Randomize
