I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
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