so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
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