Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Randomize
