I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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