On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
