The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
