Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
