When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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