so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
