Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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