...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
