why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
