Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
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