i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Randomize
