ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
