Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
