i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
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