and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I AM VODKA MAN
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
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