Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
