so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
