I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
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