Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
i dont even know how to be here
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Randomize
