Having a random hookup so left but love u
I am puke
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
