its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
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