I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
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