just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
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