Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
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