someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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