I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
My underwear smells like fireworks.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
