I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Randomize
