yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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