i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
