He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
