And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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