the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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