Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I think I sprained my soul last night
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
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