I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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