You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I don't deserve a penis
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
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