I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
No I am not eating basil off your cock
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
