I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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